I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
nutella sex= disaster
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
