i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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