im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
