Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
