woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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