If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
