You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
