i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
