Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
