Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
