i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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