Someone shit on the floor
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
