Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
