No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
