I was born with a shot glass in my hand
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
