Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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