i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
