Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
