A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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