This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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