it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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