Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
