Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
