Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
