I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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