I wish my penis had an off switch
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
