I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
