What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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