The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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