I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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