My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
