So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
