I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
