So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think a kid would responsible me up
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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