I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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