I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
