my phone needs a breathalizer
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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