Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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