she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
