My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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