i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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