Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
