You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
