I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
