I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
