u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
