I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
