Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
