I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
