my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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