my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
