This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
